What lies ahead, and what lies within.

There are always so many big decisions to make. A part of being an adult I guess. I often second guess myself on these decisions. The second guessing isn’t about the decisions themselves, but whether or not the strength within me is strong enough to handle what lies ahead. There are days I am certain that I can handle anything, and others where I just need to hide under the covers.

Life is changing. That is what is certain. That’s the only constant I have in my life at this moment. The decisions are mine to make, no matter how scary they are. What I know……this lifestyle is killing me. The self doubt that I can be this strong, and keep moving forward, its killing me inside.

What lies ahead is change. That is inevitable. Change scares me. More than any of you could know. I haven’t made the obvious changes yet, because i cant stand the uncertainty of what is coming. Am I strong enough to do this? Strong enough to change the lives of all those around me? That is what will happen. Just a little ripple will turn into huge waves, and I am not sure my brain can handle that. I will lose people. I always lose people. They will dislike my decisions, and the path my life is taking. That is a guarantee. I will eventually be ok with that, but right now it feels like the end of the world.

I need to make these changes to be healthier. Mentally healthier. I am scared. I don’t know what direction to turn. Any direction I pick will mean a different ending. I am having a hard time being in the moment. All I can really think about is how the change will affect those around me. A part of me wishes that someone else would just make these decisions. Just so I don’t have to.

I don’t always know if I am strong enough. I want to be. My future depends on it. What happens if that choice is the wrong one? What if its right? I just don’t know.

The Addiction, The Addicted, The Enabler.

Can you take a guess at which role I play? As human beings, we often bury our heads in the sand, and hope that the problems around us will just disappear. I am here to tell you that they do not.

THE ENABLER

For 12 years I have been the enabler. I have watched as the man I married dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole. How does that make me an enabler? Let me tell you. My first instinct is to protect. In doing that I found myself making excuses, and sometimes lying to cover up what makes me most uncomfortable about this situation. Alcohol. I can tell you that i hid the truth over and over from those I love the most, sometimes not even realizing I was doing it. How did I not know? I convinced myself to believe the words coming out of the Addicted ones mouth. Often without question, I stuck up for him. I made things seem normal for him. Why? Because I wanted so badly for it to be true. I wanted to make it work, in hopes that one day it wouldn’t be this way. It doesn’t get better as the enabler. In fact, covering it up, burying my head in the sand has caused me to push people away, and feel the need to save the addicted, to save myself.

We tend to believe the empty promises given on a daily basis. I find myself doing that even as I write this. I want to believe that everything the addicted says will be true. I want to believe in that fairytale ending. You know, the one where things turn out all roses at the end. I want to believe everything is the truth, even as i hear his words, i feel lies in my heart. And still, I cover it up.

Being an enabler is like wearing rose colored glasses. We hide our shame, and teach ourselves to believe what we are doing is for the good of the addicted. I can finally take those glasses off, and i am not hiding anymore. I am here to say I cant do this anymore. I cant be that person. It is killing me from the inside out. Slow and painful, no mercy. I hid behind the lies thinking one day it would be truth. Same thing that the addicted was doing. I feel shameful, and betrayed. You believe the lies they give you, you believe that when they say it will get better, it is truth. Well…..it isn’t.

I have made it possible for the addicted to hide behind me. To know that I will always be there, always making excuses, and always hiding the truth. No more. I cant do it. I surrender. Ive given up.

THE ADDICTION

The addiction itself is a killer of families and friendships and love. It eats everything alive in its path and it makes the families second guess life in general. It overcomes the addicted and the enabler, and becomes the only focus. Every day the addicted and the enabler are affected. It is a difficult situation made more difficult by society and its willingness to feed it.

THE ADDICTED

Addiction is a sad thing. It makes the addicted feel dependent on that next sip. It makes them invincible. The enabler helps them feel that way. They cover for them, all the time. The addicted hides and lies, and convinces so many around them that what they are doing is ok. They eventually lose everything, and it is them that pushes it all away.

If you refuse to get help, that is on you. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem..There is, however, shame in involving children in your issues. When that happens, its just time to walk away. It is time to move away from the things you are harming. They put the drug above everything else. Making people feel small and unloved.

ME

I am at my breaking point. It is time to disengage. It is time to put my children and myself above the things I have been trying so hard to mask, and hide. It makes me part of the addiction, and I refuse to be that anymore. I am finding the path that I want to lead my family down. I am saying its ok to let go of what you had planned for the future. There is no future for someone who refuses to see the error of there ways. I chose a future for my children. One that is free from the addicted, the addiction and the enabler. I have, for far too long, just smiled and said I am fine. i am not fine. I wont be for a long time. i have a lot to make up for. In a way I, as the enabler, have become addicted to solving the problem. I have become addicted to covering for the addicted, and not being honest. i am sorry for the part I play in that. My part in this has ended, feel free to fly, Be what you want, but do not take us down with you. My story will go on, as will yours.