Showing Weakness

All of my life I have always felt that showing my weaknesses is unaccepable.  I do not find it unacceptable in other people, but when it happens for me, I feel like a bit of a failure.  

I have so many insecurities and I find myself apologizing constantly just to keep people happy.  It has become a habit of mine.  I am so fearful that the people I care about will eventually leave, so I am constantly doing whatever I can to make people happy.  Unfortunately sometimes that means I let them walk all over me.  

I am insecure in my friendships, relationships, and even family.  I am extremely fearful of being left alone.  Of the ones I love, not loving me back.  I have this theory that everyone leaves eventually.  I know its silly.  But it is how I am made.  It takes strong people to be a part of my life, and stay a part of my life.  

I think the above paragraph is the reason I took my middle boy moving out so hard.  It was always one of my worst fears, having my children decide they wanted to live somewhere else.  It ripped me apart, from the inside out.  It tore deep into my soul, and shattered my sense of stability.  I am better now, but still hurting sometimes.

My insecurities often make it difficult to make and keep friends.  I am in constant fear of messing up.   I feel people pulling away, even when they aren’t.  It’s irrational, and sometimes makes me feel that I will eventually drive them away with that as well.  

My health is not always great, and I’m often tired and sore.  I do not like that my body betrays my sense of needing to show strength at all times.  It is a weakness I can not control, and that drives me to try to control other parts of my life so severely.  

I k now it drives people away.  I see it in their responses of frustration.  I am trying hard to control it, but sometimes the more I try to control it, the worse it gets.  It’s like this crazy frustrating track I’m on, and I’m working hard to find the exit ramp.