I Am Happy

That sentence right there .

I Am Happy….

You know that moment if clarity that you get when it hits you? That sudden thought that brings a slight tear to the eyes. I had that. Several times in the last few weeks. I have worked hard for this moment. Making mistakes and bad decisions along the way that taught me to think differently.

I Am Happy….

I do not know how else to describe it. How do you put into words that feeling? I don’t think it is completely possible. I am not happy because of a person, or things. I have just really found my path in life. I have found my independence, I have found my passion. I am stepping outside of my comfort zones. I am raising my boys the best way I know how. I am paying my bills. I am working a job that I love. I am not doing all of this without struggle. But along the way I have realized that it is the struggle that makes you keep going, day in and day out. Without the struggle there is no accomplishment.

I Am Happy….

I have found myself. In all of this, I really have. My boys get a version of me that I was afraid they would never see. The stronger version that I held back for so long.

I Am Happy….

I am making plans for a future I never thought possible. One I am working extremely hard for. I have goals and I will meet them. I am confident in that.

I Am Happy….

A Ray of Sunshine

There was a time in my life that I could smile through anything in public. I could be having the worst day ever and you wouldn’t know it. I was too strong for too long, and I think it broke me a little. Not completely of course, but in little bits and pieces over the last few years.

Over the last few months I’ve come to realize that I miss that girl. The one who had adventure in her soul, and love enough in her heart to share it with everyone. I’m working so hard to find her again. To have the confidence it takes to be her without fear of losing myself again.

I know pretending everything was ok wasn’t healthy. I don’t want to do that again. I just want to be the girl people look at without fearing I might break. I’m not that breakable. I just had a hard couple of years. I’ve decided to ride above that.

All The Eggs In One Basket

I tend to do this.  Figuratively, I put all my eggs in one basket.  No matter what it is.  I seem to go all in.  I don’t know how to do it any other way.  It tends to leave me out of a lot of situations because I am so invested in other things.  I have a broad mind, with narrow eyesight.  Its like a curse.

I am learning to broaden my sight.  I need to do this for my own sanity.  It leaves me lonely, and unexcited about life.  I can not live like that anymore.

Seasons Change

So, here’s the thing…. All of my life I have been the pushover.  The one who waits around to be noticed. The one who gets walked all over, and still finds the good in people.  The one who waits for that one person to see that she is a catch, and shouldnt be let go.  Well, I have kind of gotten over being that way.  I am voicing my feelings more, being up front about what I expect in my life, and it is making me feel good.  I am no longer the naive person that believes everything she is told.  I am not sure how, but I have found my strength.  If nothing else, this last year has taught me to have a backbone.  That I can survive even when the cards are stacked against me.

When  you set boundaries, it upsets people. They try to belittle you, and make you feel like you are being mean.  They threaten and lie, and try to make  you break down.  I will not allow that in my life anymore.

Seasons change, and with it so have I.  I have grown stronger, and more assertive about what I deserve.  I deserve to be happy, and loved.  Not controlled and manipulated.  I deserve to be held with care, instead of held down and strong armed. I deserve to be encouraged instead of made to feel guilty because I am working hard to make something of my life.  I am trying to succeed and survive the last few years, if you do not see  yourself as playing a positive part in that, you can get off the train at the next stop.  In fact, don’t wait, pull the emergency cord and exit now.

The Loneliest Summer

I have the house to myself most of this summer.  What does that mean?  I am alone…a lot.  Everyone has a life.  Me, I am watching a lot of Netflix.  I honestly do not understand why it is this way.  I am sure I need to open myself up and make more friends.  Truth is, meeting new people is rough for me.  After this last year, I dont even know where to begin.  My last experience put a fear in me of meeting new people, and letting them into my life.  So I am lonely instead.  My anxiety gets the best of me, so I am home.  When i do make plans it seems my body betrays me anyway.

I made changes in my life that have put me in this position.  I get that.  It is understood that maybe I did this to myself.  I dont really know.  I let someone control the last year of my life.  Someone who, in the grand scheme of things, didn’t really physically have control, but mentally did.  I was made to think I was a bad person, and that I deserved to be controlled.  Now I am paying for letting a person like that into my life, and the lives of my children.  When will i feel free of that?  When can I have a life again?

I thought this summer would give me a chance to reconnect and really find myself.  But really I’ve just spent it in the house, hiding. Im tired of being this person.  I need to get out and have some fun.  Meet people, enjoy life.

I have to get out of this funk…….

 

Who I am.

Who I am now is not even close to who I was 10 or 20 years ago.  I have even changed a lot from the last year.  We grow, we change, and we are constantly adapting and evolving to fit into the world around us.  The rose colored glasses we wear in our early 20’s become scratched and dirty, and the world looks a little different after that.  Life changes, and with it, so do we.  We have to.  If we do not make changes as our worlds change we will be driven crazy with anxiety.

Our perceptions change.  Why?  Because life is a human experience, with human emotions.  We feel things.  Those feelings change us.  These experiences are necessary to become who we are meant to be.  The good and the bad of it.

If you are currently judging me on who I was before, then you are missing out on who I am now.  A lot in life has changed, and with it, so have I.  You can not emotionally stay the same through all of your life.  Too many emotions and practicalities change for you not to adapt.  Our minds and bodies change as we grow older.

This human experience is life.  We can not change what has happened, we can just grow from it.  If someone says “you have changed”, its inevitable.  Of course I have silly human, that was a year ago.

This Last Year *The Secrets We Keep*

One year ago I did a favor for someone.  They were about to become homeless, so I offered to let them stay with me.  The wording I used, “till you can get back on your feet”.  Who knew that wording would be the absolute worst mistake of my life.

I let someone into my home because I felt sorry for them, and I cant stand the idea of someone I know not having a place to live.  I had no idea how that would turn out, and an even lesser idea of how it would affect my life.

So this last year…

I have been terrorized, manipulated, and belittled. I have put up with threats because I decided it was time for him to leave.  He has used my insecurities and my failures as a wife ( two time failure as a wife), to make me bend until I almost broke.  I asked him to leave my home, and he stayed beyond his welcome. He took up residence in my life, far beyond what was comfortable.  Made me feel as though I had no choice.  He tried to cause scenes with my friends and my ex husband.  Accused me of sleeping with everyone under the sun.  He took over, made it impossible to smile.

In all this, I have felt like a failure to my children as well.  I have lost myself, and my pride.  He has used my personal feelings and information to keep me inline.  I confided in him, thinking he truly was my friend, and used all of that against me to keep me on hand.  He has used my insecurities to make sure he had control over the situation.  I let him.  I have gone through  a lot the last couple of years, barely able to hold on myself, and he took advantage of that.

I feel broken and abused.  I trust no one and nothing.  I have no idea how to find that again.  A few times I have just wanted to disappear.  He has terrorized me to the point that I have pushed everyone away.  Imagine someone taking over your life, when all you were doing was trying to help them.  Being isolated by someone who shouldn’t even have a say in how anything goes.  Its a horribly intrusive feeling, and it gets to the point that you would do anything to get out from under it.

When I got my own home, I was so excited.  I was to gain my independence.  It was a new start, and a new chance.  It feels as though the peace in that has been taken away.  My independence has become my prison.  I am climbing out of it, he is no longer living in my home, but the terrorizing continues, and it no longer feels like home.  I don’t know how to get that feeling back.  I don’t know where to begin again.  But, I will.  I have to.  There is no other choice, and no other way.  I have to begin again.

The “trailer” home that love built.

That title could really just explain it all. If you know me well enough it does.

So, as most of you know my husband and I split a year ago. That year has gone so fast. Since then my home has downsized a lot. In fact, more than I ever thought possible. Let me tell you how.

I would like to think that he moved out because he loved me enough to let me go. He is a drinker, at times putting other people and things in danger. I was getting angry and sad all at once and my anxiety was at unhealthy levels. I won’t pretend I don’t miss him. In fact, losing one of your best friends to addiction is harder than most can imagine. You feel like you just weren’t enough. A feeling I’ve known for a lifetime, because no one has proved differently.

After that, I downsized my finances and worked extremely hard to keep my children in their home. A home that we were very comfortable in because we had been there so long, but we were drowning because of it. With their love and confidence in me, I started looking for a smaller, less expensive place. It was their love and encouragement that lead me in that direction.

This leads me to my dear sister/friend. My bestie and her husband. It was with their help that I was able to move foreword into a home I could better afford. Giving me the opportunity to prove myself. It was with their love. Guidance and support that I was able to financially secure this new little life of ours.

Since then, my boys have made huge improvements to our home they didn’t have a kitchen 😂. They are putting a huge amount of love into it daily, being completely understanding of our financial situation. Irons out of their love for me, that pushes them daily as well.

Christmas was tough for me this year. All of our decisions were in a storage unit that I ended up not being able to afford. So we lost all of that. On top of that, I have been struggling, so there were no Christmas presents from me. Through all of that my children never complained. They kept on encouraging me.

My little home. Is truly the trailer home that love built. With love from every direction, in ways I never would have expected. I’ve been encouraged and loved every step of the way. Love built strong walls in our life. Every day I am grateful.

Ride or die bitch?

Are you stupid? Bitch, please….. Maybe I’m just not “GANGSTA” enough or, Maybe you just don’t value yourself enough to know when to say get lost.

Any woman who claims to be a ride or die bitch might want to get a little more educated. Value yourself. Stop being someone’s everything, while loosing yourself in the process. Do you not put importance on your own happiness? Maybe you forgot to mature? I don’t know. But grow the Fuck up.

I will be someone’s equal, but I will never be what you could call a ride or die bitch. Why? Because I have dreams and aspirations of my own to fulfill. I spent the first part of my adult life making someone else’s dreams come true, while putting all mine on hold. I spent the next part feeling like a babysitter to someone who couldn’t stay sober. In doing that I lost myself. I let my dreams die, because I didn’t value myself enough to fight for it. Now, I can barely support my children, and I’m drowning.

Make yourself important, make yourself an equal. Put yourself and your children first. If you do not, you will find yourself lost, broken, and drowning in depression.

That above ^ picture is pure stupidity. I bet you anything, if you call yourself his ride or die bitch, he will fuck you over. Demand respect. Demand for equality. Demand to be just as important. Fuck the rest.

Band-aids for the Heart

Do you guys remember when you were little and you would get hurt? A scrape, and scratch and everything in between?  You would go to mom or grandma, and they would give you a band-aid and it would make it all go away.  Do you ever wish you could go back to life being that simple to fix.  A simple little piece of plastic and guaze, to make all the hurts disappear.

As we go through life, we often wish that was still a possible cure.  A fix for everything.  Kind of like duct tape.  OOOH, maybe that would work?  I joke, but I am serious.  These last 6 months have been a roller coaster of highs and lows.  More lows than highs, but I have faith that it will soon turn around.

I have entered a new stage in life.  Made some new friends, got a place of my own.  I am basically trying to prove to myself that nothing can bring me down.  But my heart can.  It puts me in such unusual situations sometimes.  I am unable to fix the hurts.  I put a simple band-aid on it by doing things to distract me.  Unfortunately it really is only temporary.  Sooner or later you need to face the pain head on, and let it flow through you.  If you dont, it will build up until it breaks you down.  I dont have time to be broken.  So I have chosen to rip the band-aid off and deal with the pain.  I need to really feel the loss before I can start to heal, and move forward. I was stuck in what ifs, but I need to be here, and present.  I need to show my boys that it is OK to feel the pain.  You think you have allowed yourself to move on, but really you were using simple band-aids to distract you.

I have learned that distractions only last so long before they start to wear down, and the pain sets back in.  We do it unintentionally, but it happens.   People sometimes feed on that distracted energy.  They make you feel guilty for those feelings, and then to shove them down deeper.  I have no tolerance for that anymore.  I am done being controlled by my distractions. I will rip the band-aid off, and let the pain take me for a bit, so that I can know when I am truly healing.  Some people will be upset, but I have to put myself first, so I can give my boys the real me.